For a young french bourgeois man born in the late 60s and an avid reader of Arsène Lupin, chivalry was a very cool masculine trait.

Both a convenient code of conduct and a great way to impress and reassure women.

I grew up with the principles of chivalry. When my grandfather passed away, we found among his belongings a Little Treatise on Modern Chivalry, signed by a certain Jean Rameau, a writer of light literature. It detailed all the codes: how to hold your hat and gloves, why to fold the corner of your calling card, how many flowers to put in a bouquet (always an odd number if under 10), and why one should never offer carnations. It was a deeply bourgeois code of conduct designed to regulate many situations in the presence of women:

• Going up stairs (stand behind her in case she falls)

• Going down stairs (stand in front, for the same reason)

• Entering a restaurant (go in first so attention doesn’t fall on the woman)

• Sitting in a restaurant (sit with your back to the room so the woman can enjoy the view)

• Tearing bread with your hands (never cut it with a knife, which might send crumbs flying into her eyes)

• Leaving a restaurant (go out first to check for danger in the street)

• Getting into a taxi (reserve the seat not behind the driver for the woman)

• Getting out of a taxi (quickly go around the car to open the door for her)

• Walking in the street (give her the inner side of the sidewalk to protect her from splashes from the gutter)

• and many more …

All of these rules were based on the idea that women were fragile and that men’s role was to protect them from the harshness of the world.

These customs also served to show that the man who followed them wasn’t a brute or a proletarian—and thus, potentially a good match.

And I learned my lesson well: I held the door for every lady, brought lovely bouquets, carried the umbrella to shield my companion from the rain, opened the door of my old Peugeot 104, then closed it before gently taking the wheel so as not to jolt my passenger.

It worked like a charm.

Then, thanks to my feminist readings, I discovered that chivalry is actually benevolent sexism—an oxymoron I had to unlearn.

By being chivalrous, I was constantly reminding women of their supposed weakness and glorifying my male role as protector.

By being chivalrous, I pretended to play the role of the gallant knight, ignoring the fact that women can’t be knights—and that they don’t necessarily want or need to be served.

By being chivalrous, I reinforced the binary nature of our relationships, codifying them based on my gender and social class and justifying that with stereotypes.

By being chivalrous, I created a debt—a woman would owe me for all the chivalrous gestures she had “benefited” from, and I might expect a sexual reward in return.

And even though it became a reflex over time, I came to understand that, for me, chivalry had always been a seduction strategy—and there’s no doubt that the intensity of my chivalry varied depending on how attracted I was to the person.

But not everything about chivalry needs to be thrown away.

Being chivalrous also means following a code of conduct that involves paying attention to others. We men weren’t raised to be caring, and chivalry offered a way—albeit outdated and old-fashioned—to learn to be considerate of the people around us in our everyday interactions.

We were told that we didn’t have to reject chivalry entirely, but rather broaden its scope to include everyone around us. After all, nothing stops us from holding the door for a colleague, a friend, or a brother. Nothing stops us from offering to carry something if it looks too heavy for them or from giving them the best seat at the restaurant.

So that’s where I was when the elevator dilemma happened.

(Here I go, telling you my life story.)

I was staying at a hotel and came back in the evening. I ended up in the elevator with a woman who had entered before me and was going to the same floor. So I didn’t have to press the button. During the short ride up, I imagined things from her perspective. She could easily think I was following her, pretending to go to the same floor just to trail her down the hallway. Once we arrived, should I be chivalrous and let her exit first, at the risk of increasing her anxiety—especially if her room was near mine? I chose a different strategy: I stepped out of the elevator first, like a boor, and walked straight to my room without looking back. That way, I was sure I wouldn’t come across as a threat.

That moment got me thinking: between my Little Treatise on Modern Chivalry, written in 1911, and today, a lot has happened—like the Aix-en-Provence trial (Rape trial with Gisèle Halimi as a lawyer), #MeToo, Mazan…

And those three examples—among hundreds of others—have helped us understand that we men can all be perceived as threats by the women we encounter every day.

This realization forces us to reinvent chivalry.

A a post Me too chivalry.

A chivalry no longer meant only to govern relationships between men and women, but between cis men and all those who suffer their violence.

A reinvented chivalry, grounded in awareness of the threat we represent to women, to gay men, to lesbians, to trans women, to trans men, to children, to queers, to drag performers... (the list is long).

A chivalry that no longer says, “I’ll protect you from the harshness of the world because you are weak and I am strong,” but rather, “I’ll spare you the anxiety I may cause you just by being a man, and you being a [insert any category of people targeted by male violence].”

An ally’s chivalry. A feminist chivalry.

I don’t have all the answers, just a few ideas. The general principle is that you need to know what some of your male peers are capable of doing to ruin women’s lives—and act accordingly, to reassure the person in front of you that you’re aware of this and will not behave that way.

Example 1:
You know that men often follow women alone in the street to make aggressive sexual advances—or worse.
👉 You’re walking on an empty street, a woman is ahead of you. Stop and let her walk on so she doesn’t think you’re following her.

Example 2:
You know that many men take advantage of drunk women after parties.
👉 If you’re walking a drunk woman home, suggest taking one or more of her friends along to help without making her feel vulnerable. Or put her in a cab and tell her you’ve noted the license plate number.

Example 3:
You know that hetero parties can be exhausting for women due to persistent harassment, and some guys take advantage of that to appear like heroes.
👉 If one of your friends is bothering a woman, distract him and strike up a conversation—not as a “savior” expecting gratitude, but just to defuse the situation.

Example 4:
You know some guys insist on paying the bill at a bar or restaurant on a first date to make the woman feel indebted and pressure her into sex.
👉 Be clear about this upfront. Agree in advance: split the bill, flip a coin... whatever works, as long as it’s mutual.

Example 5:
You know many of your male peers are reluctant to wear condoms and push for unprotected sex.
👉 Say right away that you have condoms and intend to use them—or that you don’t have any but want to make sure they’re available. (You could also suggest non-penetrative sex, but that’ll be in a future issue of Héraclès.)

Example 6:
You’re a business owner or manager, and you know that pregnancy announcements are often a major source of stress for women at work because they’re rarely well received and often lead to devaluation.
👉 Make it known that babies are good news (when wanted), and that your company is well organized enough to handle a few months’ leave.

Example 7:
You know how heavy the male gaze can be on women in public spaces. You also know that we unconsciously form a pack with other men and that your gaze can trigger others.
👉 When your eyes meet a woman you find attractive, don’t stare, don’t lock eyes, don’t turn around to check her out from behind.

In short, I think you get the idea.

And by the way, I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions—whether you’re a man, a woman, or anything else.

Are there other situations where a cis man could behave in a way that avoids worrying the people around him?